“Unuseless” Invention #281:
Back Scratcher’s T-Shirt™
The trick is NOT to itch where you can scratch; it’s to get scratched where you itch!
A number of (non-chindogu) implements exist to try to help us address itches that we can’t reach. Still, wooden claws just can’t quite provide the same relief that a skillful human finger will, and hence the phrase “you scratch my back, I’ll scratch yours.”  This reciprocal arrangement often provides a few seconds of glorious relief, but is typically followed by several more of frustration over the fact that the “you”s of this world never seem to know quite where the itch is.  The “we”s can explain to some degree–“up, down, more to the right, no the other right”–but itches move, and pinning one down is a lot like sinking a battleship in a sea that you can’t quite see.  At least that’s the way it used to be.  Now, it’s more hits and fewer misses with the Back Scratcher’s T-Shirt.  It is expected that people with perpetually itchy backs will take to wearing shirts like these at all times and soon be instinctively aware of all coordinates with the grid committed to memory.  Meanwhile, for the occasional itcher, the T-Shirt™ comes with a handy cheat sheet.


“Unuseless” Invention #140
Clear Skies Umbrella™
Sunshine on a cloudy day…or at least a reasonable facsimile.
Gene Kelly notwithstanding, walking in the rain tends to be a gloomy and depressing prospect even with an umbrella. (This could explain why, for the point of view of neighbors further south, the Brits seem such a morose bunch.)  Not only are there clouds in the sky, but your umbrella itself keeps you in a perpetual shadow, a dark, empty and lonesome world. Well, chindogu can’t change the weather, but the Clear Skies Umbrella™ can do the next best thing. Now suddenly there are glowing planets and twinkling suns to brigthen your mood. And if that’s not enough, flip the switch and an a 9-volt LED sun will shine to light your way. Not so much that you’ll need to put on sunscreen, but enough, perhaps, to make for a brighter outlook.  In fact, it’s not inconcievable that with a gadget like this, people who live in dark and cloudy climates may start wanting to use their umbrella even when it isn’t raining!


“Unuseless” Invention #19
Hat Pack™
Hat Head?  Try this instead!

Hats may protect your gorgeous locks from the ravages of inclement weather, but you still won’t be able to justifiably showcase your “new do” when you arrive at your destination…whether you spent all morning at that hair salon or not.  They may succeed in keeping their clientele dry, but there’s one persistent problem that the haberdasheries of the world have yet to solve: hat head.  Fear not.  Chindogu has arrived once again to save your scalp.  Enter Hat Pack™, the first hat that does what it’s supposed to, but isn’t worn on your head. It’s over your head.  Literally.  Your back and shoulders keep the article in place so that your hair stays put as well. Furthermore, gentlemen will appreciate the added benefit of not constantly having to remove their hat every time a lady happens to pass.  Hat Pack™ has manners and chivalry covered, as well as your hair.  Hats off to this great new unuseless item!  (n.a. if you’re already wearing one, of course.)

“Unuseless” Invention #341
 The Sock Closet™
For elite feet
Why are some garments carefully pressed and hung for mindful morning perusal while others are simply crammed in a drawer? After all, footwear is worn on the outside and mismatches are particularly noticeable. Especially in Japanese restaurants and at the homes of friends who’ve had their carpets cleaned. The Sock Closet™ addresses this mismatch and effectively solves the problem. If you buy from the rack you already get a free Sock Hanger™*with each purchase. Stop throwing them away. Instead, dress your feet with the same sense of pride you use on the rest of yourself. (And if you still don’t think socks are important enough to deserve their own closet, trying going out without any for a while. People notice!)
[*sold separately]
“Unuseless” Invention #142
 Fone Face™
Hide your shame, make your call
The convenience of “always with you” telephony is often overrated and not without its drawbacks.  You need a cellular solution because pay phones are fast going the way of the plesiosaur.  Plus friends and associates expect to be able to get in touch at all hours.  The problem is that it’s rude to take calls in crowded places.  For naturally rude people, of course, this isn’t actually a problem.  But what do the rest of us do when we absolutely must use the phone yet can’t endure the shame of being a nuisance?  Answer: Fone Face™.   It’s particularly hard to hear and be heard through mobile devices on crowded trains and the like…but shouting invites even more dirty looks from those sitting next to you (who may well have every right to be non-plussed).  Fone Face™ fixes both dilemmas.  Not only does this transceiver-equipped mask provide the perfect barrier between you and the rude world, it also serves to amplify the voice of the person on the other end of the line.  So now when it’s an absolute legitimate emergency and you really must make that call no two ways about it, you can retreat into your own personal safety zone and deliver urgent messages from behind your blockade…urgent messages such as “I’m on the train now” and “Do you want me to pick up some milk?”