“Unuseless” Invention #44:
Finally, a better way.
If you’ve ever tried to consume a bowl of chinese noodles with a knife and fork, you know that there’s no there substitute for traditional asian eating implements. The problem is that these “quick little fellows” have been on the market for close to 5000 years and the manufacturers still haven’t bothered to put out an update. They slip to the bottom of the dishwasher, they’re not child friendly, and in a number of ways (back-handed reference to Pat Morita in the Karate Kid aside) they’re downright buggy. Now, and not a millennium too soon, there’s Chop Sticks 2.0, or as we like to call them Pop Sticks™. Easily constructed from such common household items as clothespins, Elmer’s glue, and Chop Sticks 1.0, Pop Sticks™ solve an array of problems present in earlier versions. They stay together, they provide more gripping power, and you don’t have to give a whole long lecture with charts, graphs and workshops when the in-laws from Idaho come over for dinner.
“Unuseless” Invention #163:
Zen Litter Box™
Let’s Cats Truly “Go in Peace.”
The Zen Litter Box™ provides the answer to two common household dilemnas in one fell scoop, as it were. It gives tense and un-enlightened kitties a better way to act out their disdain for the material world than attacking the legs of your furniture, and it turns an unpleasant pet amenity into a garden of inner peace. After all, why should the prospect of attaining nirvana be reserved solely for humans? Ever watched a cat doing its business? They sure look like they’re meditating. The Zen Litter Box™ transforms those kitty facilities into your pet’s personal sanctuarity of tranquility, as gratifying for us to look at as it is for them to experience. Now, the next time your cat craves “fulfillment”, she may find it in more ways than one.
“Unuseless” Invention #19:
Honest Husband Hat™
Peace of Mind for Solicitous Spouses
The senses don’t shut off just because you’re in a relationship. If boyfriends, girlfriends, husbands, and other miscellaneous partners didn’t instinctively notice members of the opposite sex, they probably wouldn’t be paired up in the first place. But now here’s a way to help that special someone retain focus and tune out unneeeded distractions. With a picture of his (or her) mate clipped in place, the Honest Husband Hat™ assures that the wearer won’t break promises he made as soon as he’s out the door. (Just in case, however, photos can be easilly switched and the Hat used in the next relationship as well…and even the one after that.)
“Unuseless” Invention #189:
AC Free Charger™
Lets new batteries breathe life into old ones
Now you can recharge batteries on the go and without taxing the household current. The AC Free Charger™ will pump power back into almost any old dry cell battery, provided you’ve got time to wait…and also 12 newer batteries to draw from. The reason this particular item isn’t likely to succeed in the practical market place is obvious: your one lucky battery is now going to live longer, but you’re shortening the lives of twelve other poor dry cell souls in the process (unless, of course, you’re willing to spring for 144 more, but that’s another discussion). Still, in the education realm, this gadget may prove quite useful in teaching young ones an important lesson before they advance to the carrying of plastic in their wallets–there’s no such thing in life as a free charge.
“Unuseless” Invention #177:
Auto Pussy Petter™
No time to pet the cat? Here’s a let-it-get-its-own-pet set.
Ever noticed that when a cat craves affection, it’ll rub up against basically anything—your leg, the table, the wall–until you finally provide that pat on the head it craves? Well, we noticed. And then we began to look for a way to harness that energy (because, after all, how much fun can being pet by a wall be?) The Auto Pussy Petter™ exploits one of nature’s own furry perpetual motion machines. By walking under the cushioned prosthetic hand, now Toodles can pat her own head and scratch her own back. Best of all, use of the Pussy Petter™ needn’t be taught–cats instinctively get the idea. One drawback: this gadget is best kept indoors, lest your pets figure out they don’t really need you.